Inappropriate Sexual Behaviour Between Children

Did you know?

It is normal for children to explore their sexuality from a young age; think “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” Typical sexualised play is consensual, mutual, playful, expected for their age and a shared decision just like other games children of the same age play. (Hackett, 2014)

There is a continuum of sexualised behaviour and it is important to know when behaviour has moved from being “typical” to inappropriate or problematic or even harmful.

Early intervention is extremely effective at interrupting the escalation of inappropriate sexual behaviours in children.

However, very few people are aware of how to handle inappropriate sexual behaviours in children when they emerge. Schools in South Africa (and around the world) have seen an increase in sexual behaviours happening on school grounds in recent years.

If there have been incidents of inappropriate sexual behaviour in your school, know that you are not alone. These behaviours happen at schools, on play dates in homes and in public spaces. They are not limited to any particular socio-economic group, race or gender.

Inappropriate sexual behaviour, also known as harmful or problematic sexual behaviour is defined as “Sexual behaviours expressed by children and young people under the age of 18 years old that are developmentally inappropriate, may be harmful towards self or others, or be abusive towards another child, young person or adult.” (derived from Hackett, 2014).

But this is not a new problem, this has been happening for decades

Yes, it is true that this is not a new phenomenon. However, that does not mean that the issue has always been dealt with effectively or appropriately in the past. Many children have been punished and shamed for this behaviour, without attempting to understand where or how it started. Shame renders children and adults silent.

We believe we can do better for our children. This is about having a holistic understanding of children and their developing sexuality, talking about keeping their bodies safe in age-appropriate ways and preventing harm.

These days children’s access to the internet has meant that unprecedented numbers of children are exposed to inappropriate content and pornography at a young age. ¹ Children’s play reveals something about their inner world and experiences, this type of exposure can lead to inappropriate sexual behaviour.

¹ Children's Commissioner Survey in the UK (2021/2022) revealed that 15% of children first saw pornography at age 10 or younger. 73% first saw pornography at age 13 or younger. And 54% first saw pornography at age 17 or younger. South African practitioners working with young people say these statistics may not fully reflect the extent of the problem. Shame keeps children silent. Source: South African Children and pornography: A guide for professionals and caregivers interacting with children who are exposed to pornography. Written by Marita Rademeyer and Robyn Wolfson Vorster. 2024.

We want to empower school management teams, staff, parents and learners to recognise when behaviour is inappropriate and how to respond with the best interests of all children in mind.

No one wants to talk about this

This is exceptionally difficult to talk about, let alone address in a meaningful way. For some, the thought of having the words “children” and “sexual development or behaviour” in the same sentence is abhorrent. We get it, it can be incredibly confronting and uncomfortable.

And, we want to facilitate brave conversations and training around this topic in order to protect children and their childhood.

We take a developmental stance on sexualised behaviour in children. We acknowledge that children are born sexual beings, with reproductive systems intact that are designed to come “online” during puberty. We see the vital need to consider the whole of the child’s development, life experience, and context. And we want to share what can be expected from a developmental perspective and best practice ways of handling sexualised behaviour.

We believe that NOT talking about this is doing a disservice to children, families and schools.

We believe that talking about it can help to prevent any harm from happening. Educating children about their bodies and private parts is extremely protective for them. We believe we can offer a sensitive and responsive environment for school staff to start to engage with this topic.

Why should we deal with it at school? Isn’t this the parent’s job?

Inappropriate sexual behaviour is happening everywhere, often on school grounds because children spend a lot of time together there. They feel familiar with one another, and they have opportunities for impulses of all kinds to be acted upon. As already mentioned, sometimes these impulses are completely typical, and other times they are problematic and harmful.

Schools play a huge role in the lives of children. When a child is in distress, they very often disclose their feelings to a trusted teacher, or the school secretary or bus driver or with whomever they have built a relationship. If school staff are aware of child-on- child sexualised behaviour, and what to do, there is a better chance of early intervention and a calm, positive response.

Yes, it is also a parent’s role and responsibility to talk to their children about their bodies, about safety and protection. But just as in schools, many parents don’t feel they have the words or tools to do so. Our plan is to reach parents via the schools, to increase the response as a community. We definitely believe parents have a vital role to play and can be empowered to have these important conversations with their children.

I’m still not sure—how do I know if this is a problem at my school?

• Does your school know how to handle sexualised behaviours between children?
• Do you know what might be typical/inappropriate/problematic/harmful and how to tell
  the difference?
• Do you have a plan for when it may happen at your school?
• Are you familiar with your school’s child protection policy?
• Do you have a plan for if any child-on-child inappropriate sexual behaviour occurs?

If you answered “no” to any of the above your school may benefit from the consulting services we have to offer. Developed in partnership with an educator and child development specialists with experience in this field, we have various levels of intervention to offer your school.

Who is this for?

Currently, this service is for primary schools and pre-primary schools only.

What is available?

There are various packages available. You can sign up for one or more packages. We can also talk through your school’s needs and design a package tailored to your school's needs.

Who is Fresh Hope Consulting?